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THE TWIST

well you may have read and shared the sorrow and anger i had with my earlier post THE REVELATIONS OF A 6-YEAR OLD HOPEFUL. today i have decided to share with you another chapter, another revelation. This time, i'm taking away the angst and replacing it with guilt that i felt upon knowing... The Twist.

'twas early 2009 when i was so excited to finish clearance, get away with school and fly.

by Flying i meant going to the States. and by going to the States i meant seeing him. 

the man who i loathed so much and yet i greatly miss.
DAD.

 The last time i saw him was on his last days in the archipelago. i was 2nd year highschool that time.

He was out of nowhere, I recieved a call from him and he told me he was leaving for good

and that he wanted to see me.

and i was "what the hell? for how many years you went silent and disappeared, and now your'e telling me your'e leaving for good?!"

But i said "alright,imma see you"
 anyways, we met in the mall, he was wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, wore a polo and shorts matched with Adidas slippers. he was fatter the last time i saw him.

i was just staring at him. 

NO hi, NO hug, NOTHING. just staring.

but i was really thinking deep inside.
really deep.

 for how many years of not seeing him, now he's right in front of me,and i was pretending like i don't care and yet i really felt like hugging him and would want to talk to him about how i was, the achievements iv'e had in school, my activities, and more.
 just like all boys and dads do everyday
 :( 

we talked. casually. bid our goodbyes. and he left.

I remained sitting from where we had our conversation. slightly stunned.

Thinking. Mad at myself for not hugging him and talking to him and kissing him and telling him how i loved and will miss him.

it was such a fail.

this was 2005

now back to our story on almost summer 2009.

it has been 2 months already that dad hadn't been sending emails.

i wondered but anyways,

me, mum, aunt and uncle and my cousin were in Manila already.

prepping up for the embassy interview for my visa.

twas April23 as far as i could remember.

the moment i woke up that day, 'twas gloomy, i felt really heavy as if a boulder was on me.

i didn't feel like standing up.

i felt really awkward, really sickly.

AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY. 

i stood up, took a bath, ate, went to the embassy,

fell in line, and sat on a bench inside the embassy waiting for our turn.

i didn't feel anxious, not excited either, nor nervous. I know this isn't normal

AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

'twas my turn to talk with the console.

he asked me things and i tell you, we were laughing, conversing really well and it ran smoothly.

Mr. console gave a smile, got his stamp and taaakkk!

stamped my application form:

DENIED

"Sorry son, not your day."

felt it? OUCH. right?

 I went back to the hotel room. laughing FAKELY, saying to my mum and aunt that it was ok FAKELY,

smiling and getting myself busy FAKELY.

deep inside, my heart was crushed.

not because i can't got to Disneyland or Hollywood, not because i can't shop at Rodeo Drive, not because i can't see Vegas nor play in the streets of New York

but my heart was intensely crushed for i can't see him.

I can not see DAD.

we went back to Cebu, and I tried to email dad about the news.

few days passed, no reply.

AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

2 weeks have passed and i got an email from Tita Michelle (dad's new wife)

i can't really post the complete email but it goes kinda' like this:

"Hi Mon,

How're you? this is about your dad. he was brought to the hospital. he hasn't told you about

his condition because he doesn't want you to be bothered.

last April23 he was brought to the hospital.

doctor's told us he had cancer cells. 

now the doctor's told us he has Leukemia. help us pray for him mon. he wants his

condition to be in private lang sa, pray mon. pray for him..."

i stopped reading the email.

immediately remembered the day i had my interview,

APRIL23. 

now i know why i felt differentl that day.

i closed my eyes and words keep reverberating in my mind and ears.

"he has leukemia" 

"he has leukemia" 

"LEUKEMIA" 

the moment i opened my eyes, i felt tears falling down.

i remember how painful it was, how hard it hit me.

"LEUKEMIA"

i may have hated my dad, but no matter how i turn the world, 

HE IS STILL MY DAD. 

:(

i don't care if dad told us not tell anyone. 

i grabbed my computer chair, turned on my lappy,

started telling everyone about his condition

and asked them to PRAY. 

i know and you guys who know me that i aint religious.

but i knew it was the only thing i can do despite the distance.

i called messaged everyone who knew dad, our relatives, my friends

and even my enemies to please pray for him.

twas late june that tita michelle sent us a CD.

i do not know what was in there but i gave it a try, placed it in the DVD player and turned the TV on.

0.0

i was stunned.

'twasn't a movie, 'twasn't compiled music

IT CONTAINED PICTURES.

PICTURES OF DAD IN THE ICU.

HE WAS THIN. REALLY THIN.

HE WAS SKIN AND BONE THIN, BALD

AND TUBES WERE EVERYWHERE.

and you know what's painful, you know what crushed my heart?

you know what made me cry?

HE WAS SMILING.

HE WAS SMILING GENUINELY WITH A THUMB UP ON HIS HAND.

:((

i turned everything off.

went to bed.

i thought of the years dad was in Cebu.

the years where i was just a mile or two away from him.

the years when i had the chance to hug him tight and say how much i loved him.

gone were those years.

i missed it and all i know is im losing him soon.

but for i for one knew that he'd never give up.

and i will never give up.

i tried calling him and he answered. we talked.

i tried not to cry. 

but once he told me:

"I WILL BE STRONG SON. YOU ARE MY STRENGTH. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BROTHERS, THINKING OF YOU MY CHILDREN MAKES ME STRONGER EVERYDAY."
I can't help it but i was appalled,

i replied:

"YOU'VE BEEN BAD DAD, YOU'LL STAY LONGER, I WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM.

DON'T DIE YET, I WILL STILL SEE YOU. I WILL CARE FOR YOU."

"I LOVE YOU DAD" I said

"I LOVE YOU TOO SON." He replied.

years have passed my friends.

dad has been fine. he have had various chemotherapies.
and i thank the Filipino community in the States who have helped him
Tita Michelle who have been there with Dad all the way and have been praying non-stop.

he's lost control over his right hand, been cancer free for quite awhile until this year, 

doctor's told him they've found cancer cells again in his body.

but i will always rememebr what he has told me.

I WILL BE STRONG FOR HIM.

I WILL SEE HIM.

I WILL CARE FOR HIM.
that no matter how far he is, i will let him feel that i am beside him. that i am holding his hands,squeezing it tight
and giving him the strength to fight.
WHAT IS LEUKEMIA? 
WHAT IS DEATH?
OUR FAITH DEFIES ANYTHING IN IT'S PATH.
AS LONG AS WE BELIEVE,
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
PRAY.LOVE.CARE


as what my dear friend Benralph Sanchez-Yu (who's mum is undergoing the same thing as my dad) have said:

If you think your'e beaten, you are. If you think you dare not, you don't. If you'd like to win but think you can't, obviously, YOU WON'T. In life, Success is not alwasys for the rich, the fastest or the strongest man. because sooner or later, 

THE MAN WHO WINS, IS THE MAN WHO THINKS HE CAN.

and i'd like to add,
 THE MAN WHO WANTS TO LIVE, IS THE MAN WHO THINKS HE WILL!

:)

IF YOU ARE READING THIS,

I ASK AND BEG YOU.

PRAY FOR HIM.

and FOR BEN'S MUM AND FOR ALL THOSE WHO ARE SUFFERING FROM CANCER,THOSE WHO ARE SICK AND ILL.

PLEASE DO.

and if you guys have your dad there beside you, give them a kiss, a hug

SAY TO HIM HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.

you might not know, it may be the last time you'll be together.

indeed, you will know the true worth of a person when they're gone.

THANKS FOR READING FREEOPLE,

HOPE THIS INSPIRED YOU

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WATCH OUT!

THE TWIST!

PART 2 OF THE REVELATIONS OF A 6-YEAR OLD HOPEFUL

SOON!

NEVER SAY NEVER

well goodmorning earthlings, i strted my day really bad (well not that aweful)

me and my research group were suppose to go down south at 8am and guess what, 

I WOKE UP EFFIN LATE! though sad and had a gloomy awakening. ill be giving you guys

another inspiring topic. A topic all of you graduating students should have. 
PERSEVERANCE.

as my friend Noah Webster describes it :steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state,etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

and to all CDU Nursing 4th years and graduating Seniors, never be deceived with lacking requirements, never give up on discouraging words from your mentors, always believe on what you can do. just think about not graduating. DYOU WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE while your classmates and barkadas are walking on the isle with accompanying graduation hymn while your at the back sit, looking at them with envy?

or would you rather, stand out proud, your family and friends cheering your name as you walk to the stage accepting that very diploma, a symbol of your four, hard-earned years in CDU CN. four long years of notes-writing, pretests and postests, research paper redseign and revamps, four long years of friendship and camaraderie. 

SO FREEOPLE! KEEP YOUR HEADS UP! AS THIS NEW BREEDS OF NURSES WILL SOAR HIGH AND WILL BE THE BEST SOON!

(Ate Anesa, Jan Ong and Ate Ays)

(Kuya Sam and Kuya Nil)

(Miss Anderson on her last garland)

(and the gorgeous 5)

inspired? GooD!

comment below your current pregrad struggle. your stategies or simply your cheer to graduating students! 

will be waiting FREEOPLE!


was thingking my next blog would be 'bout men''s fashion. so men out there,be inspired and now, with the right get up!
soon in 
MRFREESPEAKS

revelations of a 6-year old hopeful

There is nothing ugly; I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may, light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful…

it was when i was 6 when destiny hated my family. it was when all good memories of my youthful rendezvous in the midst of my youth faded. it was when everything is perfect. i picture it out as paradise, it was when the MATT you know as a child, had a lil’ something about the world he's around.

it was when my dad left us. he broke up with mom and went away from us for good. FOR GOOD!


but u know what? it was nothing. what would a 6-year-old kid think off breaking up? no idea at all. not a single thing nor a bit of knowledge. but i've got something no one else knew. that being a kid isn't a hindrance of being a catalyst of change, of changing peoples perspectives through his meek voice and actions. that being young and small isn't a hindrance in making great decisions. that at every step a child should be allowed to meet the real experiences of life; the thorns should never be plucked from its rose…for the wounds may scar,but the experience alone shall  stay as long as the roses wilt.

yes your'e right…baby ramon,dodong matt or baby Bogart(they called me after my late grandpa) can bring back his parents relationship (brave but courageous i am).

But ladies and gentlemen, for more than thirteen years of hoping and pushing my goal of bringing back my parents together, i realized and had my eyes opened., i was left jaw-dropped. i was just too ambitious. yes, i knew that the day i had the urge of pursuing my goal..but i continued not minding the consequences that lie ahead..i didn't care about the stumbles and bruises i had..they served as my guide and stepping stones in continuing what i have had started; in finishing the race…all the joy, all the uncertainties, and all the solitude of childhood suddenly came back to me..but unfortunately..there’s NO finish line, nor a crowd cheering for me to win…and u know what was the hardest part? there was NO RACE AT ALL!!!

after all the sacrifice and hard work i've dOnE..after every bit of energy i used..after all the sweat and blood i gave away just to bring my parents back together, after all the gushing tears i wiped from the pursuit of my heart and mind …it was all nothing..no use at all..

my dad had another girl..and guess what?! they had babies already..i mean not just one but three…two named after my second name…RENZ MATTHEW…REIN MATTHEW…and ROSE MARY…hahaha..sounds funny right? but the thought of having another family..another branch of our clan..was as painful as the feeling i had wen he left us..phhheeewww…my dad can’t have enough…maybe he doesn't know the term
CONTENTMENT…RESPONSIBILTY…UNITY….and FAMILY…it was nothin though…nothin compared to the feeling mom had when he left us…


thats why im so proud of mah mom! he raised us(me and my brother) with blood and sweat..giving her all juz to let us eat 3 times a day…she is 2 in 1…she did dad’s part…she accepted the responsibilities of bein both a mother and a father without complainin…we had education,proper clothing,healthy body, bright minds, shelter and especially…same attention and love a child can get with complete parents…all that we had from our mom..imagine:juz mah mom,without a single penny from dad nor his presence was there..she’s a super mom indeed! so guyz..im really proud of mah mom! if i were to choose from a million pesos or mah mon..hehehehe…yah..no need to ask mah answer..its obvious..even if mah life would be at stake juz to save mah mom’s life..

well..13years have passed..and there's more to come…but the horizon is clear..now that i'm in the right age..i'm well informed..knowledgable about my past…its very clear…that DAD and MOM can't be DAD and MOM oncemore…well,i guess i could have mom and tito or dad and tita…no more dad and mom. thats reality..that’s the world….that’s God’s will…yeah..expect the world to be unfair..sumtyms we need to accept that things are bound to happen;in the right time,in the right place and with the right people…

ryan. mum. uncle tata. and me

 renz matthew and rein matthew

 dad and rose mary

rose mary, tita michelle and dad

me at 6

GOODBYES

now certainly this topic seems to talk about hurting and tears. Parting is such a sorrowful phenomenon everyone's trying to avoid, or somehow the last thing they'd ever do (well unless your'e with an unemployed boyfriend who's a douche bag).
 As my friend Richard Bach  one said

 "Don't be dismayed at goodbyes.  A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends."

 but with this topic, i want to focus more on the GOODBYES of Lovers. such a torment to individuals who promised each other FOREVER and yet ended with NEVER. 
i faced numerous goodbyes in my life, but nothing like this today. nothing as HARD as today. nothing as DIFFICULT as today. well i can't really say much about this GOODBYE  for now, imma tell u as soon as everything's settled.as the line goes in Annie,

 "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

but still saying goodbye to a person who you made your life, who you treasured so much, and who you have been sharing your success and failures will perhaps be a death to my heart and mind. well a temporary death i may say.


and mind you, it only takes another POWERFUL SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE YOU INTENSELY to relive your dying heart, to regain the strength to move on.
gone are the days of diversional activities. the more you distract yourself with work, the more pressure your heart and mind exerts just to remind you that they are dying.
i dont believe in not recovering for such a long time. it only needs a day or 3 to get that stinging thorn that aches your heart.


well i say, TAKE THE PAIN, FEEL IT, SUFFER A BIT, CRY IT OUT, SHOUT, AND THEN COMPOSE YOURSELF. GO OUT OF THE BED, SHOP! PLAY! AND MOVE ON!


a good movie for you would be DEAR JOHN

best line in the movie said by John: "So there's something else I wanna tell you. Right before everything went black, you wanna know the very last thing that entered my mind? YOU."


Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I'll miss you
Until we meet again!!


comment below your latest GOODBYE moments, how you took the pain and how you moved on. or just simply what is GOODBYE for you. ill be waitin luv!