THE TWIST

well you may have read and shared the sorrow and anger i had with my earlier post THE REVELATIONS OF A 6-YEAR OLD HOPEFUL. today i have decided to share with you another chapter, another revelation. This time, i'm taking away the angst and replacing it with guilt that i felt upon knowing... The Twist.

'twas early 2009 when i was so excited to finish clearance, get away with school and fly.
by Flying i meant going to the States. and by going to the States i meant seeing him. 
the man who i loathed so much and yet i greatly miss.
DAD.
 The last time i saw him was on his last days in the archipelago. i was 2nd year highschool that time.
He was out of nowhere, I recieved a call from him and he told me he was leaving for good
and that he wanted to see me.
and i was "what the hell? for how many years you went silent and disappeared, and now your'e telling me your'e leaving for good?!"
But i said "alright,imma see you"
 anyways, we met in the mall, he was wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, wore a polo and shorts matched with Adidas slippers. he was fatter the last time i saw him.
i was just staring at him. 
NO hi, NO hug, NOTHING. just staring.
but i was really thinking deep inside.
really deep.
 for how many years of not seeing him, now he's right in front of me,and i was pretending like i don't care and yet i really felt like hugging him and would want to talk to him about how i was, the achievements iv'e had in school, my activities, and more.
 just like all boys and dads do everyday
 :( 
we talked. casually. bid our goodbyes. and he left.
I remained sitting from where we had our conversation. slightly stunned.
Thinking. Mad at myself for not hugging him and talking to him and kissing him and telling him how i loved and will miss him.
it was such a fail.
this was 2005

now back to our story on almost summer 2009.
it has been 2 months already that dad hadn't been sending emails.
i wondered but anyways,
me, mum, aunt and uncle and my cousin were in Manila already.
prepping up for the embassy interview for my visa.
twas April23 as far as i could remember.
the moment i woke up that day, 'twas gloomy, i felt really heavy as if a boulder was on me.
i didn't feel like standing up.
i felt really awkward, really sickly.
AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY. 
i stood up, took a bath, ate, went to the embassy,
fell in line, and sat on a bench inside the embassy waiting for our turn.
i didn't feel anxious, not excited either, nor nervous. I know this isn't normal
AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

'twas my turn to talk with the console.
he asked me things and i tell you, we were laughing, conversing really well and it ran smoothly.
Mr. console gave a smile, got his stamp and taaakkk!
stamped my application form:
DENIED
"Sorry son, not your day."
felt it? OUCH. right?
 I went back to the hotel room. laughing FAKELY, saying to my mum and aunt that it was ok FAKELY,
smiling and getting myself busy FAKELY.
deep inside, my heart was crushed.
not because i can't got to Disneyland or Hollywood, not because i can't shop at Rodeo Drive, not because i can't see Vegas nor play in the streets of New York
but my heart was intensely crushed for i can't see him.
I can not see DAD.

we went back to Cebu, and I tried to email dad about the news.
few days passed, no reply.
AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

2 weeks have passed and i got an email from Tita Michelle (dad's new wife)
i can't really post the complete email but it goes kinda' like this:
"Hi Mon,
How're you? this is about your dad. he was brought to the hospital. he hasn't told you about
his condition because he doesn't want you to be bothered.
last April23 he was brought to the hospital.
doctor's told us he had cancer cells. 
now the doctor's told us he has Leukemia. help us pray for him mon. he wants his
condition to be in private lang sa, pray mon. pray for him..."

i stopped reading the email.
immediately remembered the day i had my interview,
APRIL23. 
now i know why i felt differentl that day.
i closed my eyes and words keep reverberating in my mind and ears.
"he has leukemia" 
"he has leukemia" 
"LEUKEMIA" 
the moment i opened my eyes, i felt tears falling down.
i remember how painful it was, how hard it hit me.
"LEUKEMIA"
i may have hated my dad, but no matter how i turn the world, 
HE IS STILL MY DAD. 
:(

i don't care if dad told us not tell anyone. 
i grabbed my computer chair, turned on my lappy,
started telling everyone about his condition
and asked them to PRAY. 
i know and you guys who know me that i aint religious.
but i knew it was the only thing i can do despite the distance.
i called messaged everyone who knew dad, our relatives, my friends
and even my enemies to please pray for him.
twas late june that tita michelle sent us a CD.
i do not know what was in there but i gave it a try, placed it in the DVD player and turned the TV on.

0.0
i was stunned.

'twasn't a movie, 'twasn't compiled music
IT CONTAINED PICTURES.
PICTURES OF DAD IN THE ICU.
HE WAS THIN. REALLY THIN.
HE WAS SKIN AND BONE THIN, BALD
AND TUBES WERE EVERYWHERE.
and you know what's painful, you know what crushed my heart?
you know what made me cry?
HE WAS SMILING.
HE WAS SMILING GENUINELY WITH A THUMB UP ON HIS HAND.
:((

i turned everything off.
went to bed.
i thought of the years dad was in Cebu.
the years where i was just a mile or two away from him.
the years when i had the chance to hug him tight and say how much i loved him.
gone were those years.
i missed it and all i know is im losing him soon.

but for i for one knew that he'd never give up.
and i will never give up.

i tried calling him and he answered. we talked.
i tried not to cry. 
but once he told me:
"I WILL BE STRONG SON. YOU ARE MY STRENGTH. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BROTHERS, THINKING OF YOU MY CHILDREN MAKES ME STRONGER EVERYDAY."
I can't help it but i was appalled,
i replied:
"YOU'VE BEEN BAD DAD, YOU'LL STAY LONGER, I WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM.
DON'T DIE YET, I WILL STILL SEE YOU. I WILL CARE FOR YOU."

"I LOVE YOU DAD" I said
"I LOVE YOU TOO SON." He replied.

years have passed my friends.
dad has been fine. he have had various chemotherapies.
and i thank the Filipino community in the States who have helped him
Tita Michelle who have been there with Dad all the way and have been praying non-stop.
he's lost control over his right hand, been cancer free for quite awhile until this year, 
doctor's told him they've found cancer cells again in his body.
but i will always rememebr what he has told me.
I WILL BE STRONG FOR HIM.
I WILL SEE HIM.
I WILL CARE FOR HIM.
that no matter how far he is, i will let him feel that i am beside him. that i am holding his hands,squeezing it tight
and giving him the strength to fight.
WHAT IS LEUKEMIA? 
WHAT IS DEATH?
OUR FAITH DEFIES ANYTHING IN IT'S PATH.
AS LONG AS WE BELIEVE,
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
PRAY.LOVE.CARE


as what my dear friend Benralph Sanchez-Yu (who's mum is undergoing the same thing as my dad) have said:
If you think your'e beaten, you are. If you think you dare not, you don't. If you'd like to win but think you can't, obviously, YOU WON'T. In life, Success is not alwasys for the rich, the fastest or the strongest man. because sooner or later, 
THE MAN WHO WINS, IS THE MAN WHO THINKS HE CAN.
and i'd like to add,
 THE MAN WHO WANTS TO LIVE, IS THE MAN WHO THINKS HE WILL!
:)

IF YOU ARE READING THIS,
I ASK AND BEG YOU.
PRAY FOR HIM.
and FOR BEN'S MUM AND FOR ALL THOSE WHO ARE SUFFERING FROM CANCER,THOSE WHO ARE SICK AND ILL.
PLEASE DO.
and if you guys have your dad there beside you, give them a kiss, a hug
SAY TO HIM HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM.
you might not know, it may be the last time you'll be together.

indeed, you will know the true worth of a person when they're gone.

THANKS FOR READING FREEOPLE,
HOPE THIS INSPIRED YOU
THANK YOU SO MUCH.




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